The Whackadoodle Affair Assumption
by isthatforhereortogo
Summary: Wine can make you do crazy things...
1. Attraction

Penny groaned as she opened the door and shuffled into her apartment. She slipped off her work uniform and tossed it carelessly onto the couch. God, what a horrible day. Being yelled at by a fat asshole for adding ONE extra ice cube in his drink, plus not getting that raise she had been promised was _not _Penny's idea of a fun shift. Then again, she couldn't remember the last time she'd actually _enjoyed _working at the Cheesecake Factory. For a second, she wondered why she worked there in the first place. But she knew why. It was because working there was the only way to keep herself alive while she _still _tried to make the prospect of being an actress something more than a simple dream. She knew she could do it. She knew she had the talent. She'd been in several productions growing up in Omaha. The problem was, she was just one in a million. Nobody cared how badly she wanted to star in Hollywood films or be the sexy lingerie model in a Victoria's secret commercial. Even her looks couldn't get her far in show business.

Truthfully, the glitz and glamour wasn't _all _that Penny craved as part of her acting career. Sure, it would be pretty sweet to get to sign autographs every day and have billions of followers on Twitter and everything … but she also wanted to prove that she _was _good at something. That she wasn't just a pretty waitress. Especially to a certain physicist who seemed to equate her intelligence to that of a chimp's.

Penny walked into the bathroom for a much needed piss. Her shift had been so busy that day that she hadn't been rewarded with any breaks. As soon as she had expelled the fluids from her body, she walked over to the sink to wash her hands. She hated to admit it, but a few years ago, she wouldn't have bothered washing her hands after using the bathroom. It just seemed pointless to her. But ever since moving in, she started hearing Sheldon's voice preaching on about hygiene and germs and whatnot, and well, it had sort of rubbed off on her. A lot of Sheldon's quirks had, actually. Not that she cared to admit it to anyone.

Three knocks infiltrated her ears as she dried her hands. "Penny. Penny. Penny."

"Speak of the devil," Penny muttered. She slipped off her hair tie to let loose her silky blonde hair and went to open the door.

"What is it, Sheldon?" she asked.

"Would you like to join us for dinner? It's Chinese night."

"Gee sweetie, I don't think I'm in the mood tonight."

"Strange, I've recorded your menstrual cycles and you're not due for another week."

Penny's eyes widened slightly, before she shook her head, reminding herself that it was _Sheldon_. "Um, no. That's not it."

"Are you on a diet? If you are, then might I recommend-"

"You know what, never mind. I'll join you guys." Penny quickly shut the door and walked over to the opposite apartment.

"Oh, wonderful!"

_Well, he seems happy about it, _Penny thought to herself before entering the home of her robotic friend.

—

"Hey guys!" Penny greeted as she stepped inside. Leonard, Howard and Raj were already seated in the apartment, and the three men looked up and smiled at her (Leonard in particular.)

Penny sat down in the couch, of course away from Sheldon's precious spot, and grabbed a bowl of chicken.

"Penny, may I say you look particularly enchanting this evening," Howard flirted, tossing her a corny smile.

Penny rolled her eyes and scooted away from him; she didn't even wish to know what Raj had whispered in his creepy friend's ear.

"Yeah, well, get your own pick up lines!" Howard snapped to the Indian. Raj silently resumed eating his food.

Right at that moment, Sheldon entered the apartment. He sat down right beside Penny, closer than she thought would be comfortable for him, and as he reached over to grab his food, his elbow brushed against hers. For a nanosecond, Penny could have sworn she saw a faint blush on his cheeks.

_Wait, who am I kidding? It's Sheldon, he can't blush! _

Leonard cleared his throat and broke the silence. "So Penny, how was work?"

Penny shrugged. "Same old. Some stupid jerk started bitching at me because apparently it makes a HUGE difference if I add one stupid little ice cube into his drink." She stabbed her fork into her chicken and shoved it in her mouth.

"Oh. Well, I'm sure he means well," Leonard said quietly. Sheldon breathed out his signature weird laugh, and everyone turned towards him.

"What's so funny?" Penny asked, narrowing her eyes.

Sheldon was still smiling when he spoke, and Penny tried to ignore the way his crystal blue eyes sparkled as if he was in a train store. _Seriously, they're just eyes! _"I simply find it amusing that while Leonard clearly has no interest in hearing about your tedious anecdotes, he believes that by engaging you in trivial chitchat, "buttering you up" if you will, you will find him more desirable to copulate with."

Leonard glared at his roommate. "Sheldon, what are you talking about? I was just making conversation!"

"Forgive me, Leonard, but did you not tell me last night that you wish to have sexual intercourse with Penny whether she likes it or not?"

"_Sheldon!_"

"What? It's the simple facts, Leonard. And people tell me _I'm _not a good liar."

Raj put on his best poker face.

"Why do you have to make everything so hard for me?" Leonard demanded, exasperated.

Howard snickered. "That's what she said."

"Um, hello?" Penny refocused their attention back towards her.

Sheldon smiled. "Hello, Penny."

Leonard sighed.

—

Penny laid wide awake in bed. For some reason she just couldn't stop thinking about Sheldon. She'd been having a lot of Sheldon-related thoughts lately. And it baffled her.

Sure, he was a little _odd_ when you first met him, but Penny felt like she'd grown a lot closer to him over the duration of time they'd been living across from each other. In a way, she was much closer to Sheldon than she could ever hope to be with Leonard.

Why was that? What attracted her to this puzzling human being? After all, we're talking about a guy who planned his bowel movements, a guy who smiled like the Joker, a guy who according to Leonard, was "one lab accident away from being a super villain".

So why was she so attracted to him?

Maybe attracted wasn't the right word. It was more like, intrigued. Fascinated. She felt like Leonard and her had already explored everything there was to explore. Sure, he was a nice guy and okay, he was pretty cute, but Leonard was just … Leonard. Sheldon, on the other hand, was a whole different story. She felt like she could spend years with him and she wouldn't even learn half of what there was to learn about him. He was like a galaxy. Seemingly endless. He would never cease to attrac- _no, why do I keep using that word?_- intrigue her. She wanted to dive in and explore all his "constellations".

Penny smiled as she remembered their earlier encounter.

_"You know what, never mind. I'll join you guys." _

_"Oh, wonderful!"_

Could I be in love with Sheldon?

"What the hell?" she asked herself, shocked that she could even consider such a thing. She sighed, and shook her head.

It really had been a long day.


	2. Man's Best Friend

"You are so full of yourself!" Penny yelled.

"Yeah, well, you're full of crap!" Leonard shouted back. "Just have a look at the brochure, it's not gonna kill you-"

"You just want me to go back to college because you can't stand to be dating a dumb Nebraskan cornhusker."

"I never said that-"

She ripped up the pamphlet for Pasadena college. "Oh, go to hell, Leonard!"

"Gladly!" he spat, and stormed back to his apartment.

Penny slammed the door and with a great, exhausted sigh, collapsed onto the floor. Suddenly, her eyes began to well up, and she sniffled and fought the urge to cry. God, why is it that whenever she and Leonard tried to pick things up where they left off, it only seemed to make everything worse? How many times did she need to tell him, she didn't want a big fancy college degree. At least not forced down her throat.

She just didn't get it. She'd dated jerk after jerk, that was nothing new to her, but Leonard was supposed to be the _good _guy. The keeper. He should be satisfied with who she was, not try to transform her into something meaningless.

Penny wondered briefly what it would be like to date Sheldon.

Wait. _What? _Where did that come from?

She would rather date ANYONE than that alien. Well, okay, that wasn't true. Howard could definitely be crossed off the list. Kripke hadn't made a good first impression with her, and she was certainly not interested in spending—or rather, wasting any more time with him.

But still. _Sheldon? _

Penny wiped her eyes and walked over to the kitchen to fetch a bottle of wine. She poured it into a glass and brought it to her lips.

"Screw dogs, you're a man's best friend." She tilted the glass, but before she could even take a sip, she was interrupted by a triplet of very familiar knocks.

"Penny. Penny. Penny."

"Oh, for God's sake."

She trudged reluctantly over to the door, and wasn't surprised at all to see Sheldon standing there in his pyjamas and robe.

"What do you want, Sheldon?"

He opened up his palm to reveal a familiar looking hair clip. "It seems that while you attended our Chinese dinner last night, you somehow managed to lose your Penny blossom. Social protocol dictates that I come over and return it to you."

Penny smiled a bit. "Aw, thanks sweetie." She grabbed the Penny blossom and stuck it into her messy morning hair. She hesitated, and asked, "Would you like to come in?"

"Honestly, I wouldn't _like _to, but since you asked…" Penny watched as he slipped past her and into her apartment. She shut the door. Suddenly, she felt a little self-conscious of her appearance. It wasn't the clothing; Sheldon had seen her Hello Kitty PJ's on a number of occasions. But surely her eyes must be all red and swollen, plus she could never elicit that "Penny charm" without her makeup.

"So I guess you heard me and Leonard yelling at each other, huh?" she said as she walked over to the kitchen counter.

"I have Vulcan hearing, Penny. Your question is redundant."

She sighed, and fetched the wine glass and bottle. She sat down on the couch beside him and set the bottle on the table.

"Did you know that females get more intoxicated that males under the influence of wine, due to having less of an enzyme in their stomach to metabolize it?"

Penny blinked and looked at him. "Yes, _of course _I knew that, Sheldon."

"Sarcasm?"

She smirked. "Perhaps." The corners of her mouth twitched when she saw the playful look in his eyes, and she found herself getting the desired effects from the alcohol without having drank any of it.

Wait, what? That didn't make sense. Why was _Sheldon_ calming her down? Sheldon was supposed to make people _more _irritated, not less!

She downed the glass of wine as Sheldon silently watched. She sighed and leaned back against the couch. "I just don't know anymore, Sheldon. I thought, I mean when I moved here, and I met you guys, I thought I was finally going to get a chance to start over, to make something of myself. But look at me. I'm swarmed with debt, I can't maintain a steady relationship with anyone, the towers of bills I have to pay are higher than the ceiling, God I'm a fucking mess."

"Penny?"

For a second, Penny could have melted when she saw what appeared to be a caring expression printed on his face. Sheldon was showing an actual emotion. He looked so attracti-no, intriguing! _Forget about that word! _

"Has anyone ever told you that your complexion resembles that of Princess Leia's?"

Penny stared at him, and cocked her head. "You are a little nutty, aren't you?"

"I'm n-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Your mother had you tested." She placed her glass down on the table. "Probably by the same doctor who told Ryan White he was gonna be okay," she muttered under her breath.

"Penny, I wish to leave now," Sheldon stated. Penny nodded. If anyone else had said that to her, she would have thought they were an obnoxious jerkface, but she knew Sheldon, and she was used to his tactless remarks.

"Sure. Thanks, sweetie." She smiled, and surprisingly, he smiled back. Penny's heart pounded.

He got up and headed towards the door. Then, suddenly feeling panicked, Penny sprang up and rushed towards him just as he had left the apartment.

"Sheldon, wait!"

He turned around, and before he could even get a word in edgewise, she hugged him tightly. Then, momentarily forgetting about whom she was dealing with here—the only words on her mind were 'Princess Leia'—she pecked him on the lips.

Sheldon stared blankly at her. "Pen-"

"Shit!" Penny turned and raced back to her apartment.

She stood, panting, against the door.

What the-

What the fuck?

Had she just _kissed _Sheldon Lee Cooper?

Oh God.

"Maybe my mother should have _me _tested."


	3. Delusion

Sheldon Cooper liked to believe that he was a master of many things. Paintball, chess, even throat singing. But there was one little thing that even he didn't mind admitting was not his strong suit: emotions. He'd never been particularly good at tracking people's emotions, including his own. In fact, he hadn't seen any real use for them. After all, his idol, Spock, had never shown any trace of emotion, so why should he?

But this was different. These emotions were unlike any he had ever experienced before (which weren't many, if you excluded pride and self-respect)

In that instant that Penny's lips had touched his, it was like he'd transformed into a new Sheldon; during that moment, the new Sheldon wouldn't have minded if Penny sat in his spot; he wouldn't have minded if Penny made some ignorant error regarding physics; he wouldn't have minded if Penny called him Moonpie.

… and he certainly wouldn't have minded if Penny kissed him again.

How perplexing.

_Sheldon's lips felt numb as he staggered back into his apartment. He fumbled with the doorknob and walked inside, trying to ignore the faint taste of wine on his lips._

_Leonard was standing in the kitchen holding a cup of coffee, and frowned when he saw Sheldon. "Where were you?"_

_Sheldon stared at Leonard._

_"Sheldon?"_

_Leonard walked towards his roommate, and before he could even ask him another question, Sheldon blurted out, "Penny kissed me."_

_Leonard's hands shook and he nearly dropped the coffee. "What?!"_

_"Excuse me, Leonard." Sheldon moved past Leonard and attempted to walk towards his room._

_"B-b-but wait!" Leonard turned and quickly chased after Sheldon. "What do you mean, she kissed you?"_

_Sheldon turned around. "Penny was upset. I believe her and yourself got into some kind of dispute. I suppose the wine she was consuming encouraged her to succumb to her primal instincts."_

_"That's … that's not fair!" Leonard cried._

Sheldon grabbed some comic books and wandered over to his bed. He just needed to clear his head. And what better way to do that than by reading about his favourite super heroes?

It was no use. Seeing the Flash running reminded him of the way Penny had sprinted back to her apartment after the kiss.

Seeing the Hulk explode with rage reminded him of how he'd noticed that his cheeks were flushed and his body was transpiring when he returned to his apartment.

And seeing Superman and Lois Lane kiss…

"Oh dear."

Sheldon felt woozy. Laying his head down onto the pillow, he closed his eyes and thought about comfortable things; atoms, his guaranteed future Nobel prize, Pennnnnnnicilin. This was his solace. This was where his thoughts should be. Safe and sound.

"_Sheldon?_"

The physicist was snapped out of his thoughts by an all too familiar voice. He opened his eyes and was shocked to see a smiling Penny seated on the side of his bed.

"No one's allowed in my room," he finally managed to say, although it barely came out louder than a murmur.

"Are you sure?" Her voice was teasing. She leaned forward and placed a hand on his cheek, stroking it softly.

"Penny-"

"Shh, it's okay, Moonpie." She lowered herself so her head was resting on his chest, and Sheldon could feel his heartbeat racing. He closed his eyes. She softly began to sing, "_Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, little ball of fur…_"

Sheldon opened his eyes again. Penny wasn't there. It was just him. Dear Lord. He really was becoming delusional.

"_Happy Kitty, Sleepy Kitty, purr purr purr_," he concluded.


	4. Reciprocity

Penny carried the basket of dirty clothing into the laundry room and set it on the floor. She poured some water into the washing machine, adjusted it to the right temperature, and then tossed the sorted clothes into the machine. She closed the lid, and quickly started to exit the laundry room, hoping to return to her apartment unnoticed. Unfortunately, she just so happened to run into the person she had desperately been trying to avoid. Sheldon approached the entrance, holding his own basket of laundry, which she bumped into. Penny inwardly cursed, but didn't dare to make eye contact with him. Not after what had happened that morning.

There was an awkward silence before Penny decided moving out of the way would be a good idea. She stepped aside, and Sheldon wordlessly walked over to the neighbouring washing machine, appearing to be as tense as she was. Penny remained at the door. What now? Would their friendship be ruined forever? Was there always going to be that "elephant in the room" from now on? Why, why, why did she have to kiss him? Stupid wine.

Penny bit her lip, and slowly walked out of the room, feeling tired and miserable. Suddenly, she froze in her tracks. Oh crap. She'd forgotten the detergent! She turned, and then froze again. But wait. That would mean … going back in there … and facing Sheldon …

_Oh, balls._

Penny took a deep breath and re-entered the laundry room. _Just get the damn detergent, _she told herself. _Then put the detergent into the machine, pray your clothes won't be permanently ruined, and then get the hell out of there. _

Penny stepped over towards her machine, trying desperately to ignore Sheldon right beside her (she could _feel _his unsettling stare) and looked at the bottle of laundry detergent that was in his firm grip. What now?

Slowly, Penny reached her hand towards the detergent.

_Please don't touch his fingers, please don't touch his fingers, please don- damn it! _

Sheldon, surprised by the contact, let go of the detergent. Penny blushed and poured it into the machine. She closed the lid and shut her eyes.

She then looked up at Sheldon. He was staring blankly at the wall like he was completely lost to the world. She sighed, realizing that a confrontation had to be better than this god awful silence, and gently laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Sheldon?"

He twitched, and cried out, "3.141592653-"

"Shh, sweetie, sweetie, listen." She tried to stay calm, more for her own sake than his. Like an owl, Sheldon instantly turned his head to face hers and Penny swallowed. "Look," she began. "I know I may have been a little … hasty this morning-" Both individuals simultaneously averted their eyes during this interval. "-but I don't want things to be, you know, all weird between us. I mean, I like you, not like _like _you, but yeah, you get what I'm saying. I was just so stressed and then you were oddly comforting and I guess, I don't know, something happened, I think it was the wine, and I just couldn't control myself. So yeah. We're cool, okay?"

"Penny…" He looked at her with those indescribable blue eyes. "I told Leonard."

She dropped the bottle of detergent and it spilled all over the floor. "You what?!"

He flinched, and suddenly looked as vulnerable as a little kid who'd been scolded by his mommy. "I told Leonard," he repeated obliviously.

Penny's breathing became laboured. _Oh no. Oh no. _

"Penny, the detergent spilled."

"Sheldon…" She gripped her shoulders and gave him the most intense look she had ever given anyone in her twenty-six years. "Tell me exactly what he said."

"I don't remember-"

"Bullshit. You have an eidetic memory. You said it yourself. Tell me Sheldon, or I swear to God, I will go junior rodeo, and it will _not _be pretty."

And so Sheldon told her about what had happened. How Leonard had reacted in total shock (and a great deal of hurt), and how eventually they'd both discussed the incident in detail, coming to a mutual understanding that they would never discuss this together again. Penny sighed in relief. Well, at least poor Sheldon wasn't suffering because of her blunder. Although now she had an entirely different person to avoid. God, this sucked.

"By the way," Sheldon said, after finishing his little speech. "I've chosen to regard your arbitrary kiss as a token of appreciation. In other words, a gift. And since I am a firm believer in the policy of reciprocity…" He paused, and then without any warning, he pressed his lips against the blonde woman, and pulled away after one extraordinary second. "There," was the last thing said by the physicist before exiting the laundry room, empty basket in hand.

—

_Why am I doing this? _Penny wondered for the twentieth time as she walked down the apartment hallway to the desired door. Well, it wasn't like she had any other choice. She was just _so _confused, and she really needed to talk to someone. Leonard was out of the question, for obvious reasons. Ditto for Sheldon. And never again would she allow herself to be alone with Howard, not after last time when he'd tried to kiss her. The sneaky bastard.

Penny knocked on the door. She looked down at the bottle of Chardonnay in her hand that she'd smuggled from work the other day. She'd really wanted to drink it herself, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

Suddenly, the door opened, and Raj started to open his mouth to greet the person, but then a hopeless look of panic flashed across his eyes when he realized that it was Penny, a woman.

But she had come prepared. "Here," she said, handing him the Chardonnay. "Drink this. I need to talk to you."

Raj stared down at the bottle, then back up at her, a little uncertain.

"Just do it," Penny ordered sternly. Raj quickly nodded and opened the bottle. While he was drinking the wine, Penny entered his apartment and sat on the couch.

Immediately the effects of the alcohol manifested themselves on the no longer shy astrophysicist. "So, what can I do for you, my lovely Penelope?"

She grimaced. "Please don't call me that." She sighed. Raj sat down beside her and offered her the Chardonnay.

"Want a drink?"

She shrugged. "Why not." She took the bottle and took a huge gulp. "Mmm." She cleared her throat. "Okay, so here's the deal. Me and Sheldon … we kind of … oh gosh, how do I say this … um, so you know how a proton is attracted to its opposite charge?" She praised herself for being able to remember _something _that Sheldon had taught her ages ago.

"An electron," Raj supplied.

Penny nodded, and took another sip of the bottle. "Yeah. Well … that's kind of what's happened with me and Sheldon."

Raj gave a soft gasp. "You mean… you and Sheldon…"

"Yep. Twice."

"Dude."

"I'm just so … befuddled. Seriously, what should I do?" She took another, longer sip. God, this was a good wine. Maybe she should steal from the restaurant more often.

Raj thought about it. "Well, the first thing I would suggest is to buy a pregnancy test."

Penny quirked an eyebrow. "Come again?" She spoke this with the Chardonnay in her mouth, so it really came out as "Mmmfh mmmmfhmm?"

"Well, that is what you meant, isn't it?" Raj said. "You two slept together? I mean, engaged in coitus?"

Penny spit the wine out of her mouth, and choked. "_God _no! What is wrong with you?!" She coughed several times, and fanned herself.

Raj took this opportunity to grab the bottle of wine so he could finally have some for himself. To his disappointment, there was less than half the wine left. God, this girl sure liked to drink.

"Phew!" Penny gasped, patting her chest after finally recovering from her little choking fit. "You've been spending WAY too much time with Howard."

Raj grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, Penny."

"But anyways, back to the point. What I _meant _was, we kissed. I don't know if you could even call it a kiss, it was just one of those little granny pecks, except on your lips. The first one you can blame on me, I was just having a shitty morning and I took it out on poor Sheldon. But then later when we were in the laundry room … _he _kissed _me._"

That's when Raj understood the gravity of the situation. "Ooooh."

"He said something about reciprocity, I dunno. My point is, should I dwell on it? Is this one of those things that's gonna alter our little friendship pattern, or whatever? I mean, okay, look. When I first started dating Leonard, I thought he was going to be different from all the other losers I'd gone out with before. He _seemed _different. But then our relationship became about nothing but meaningless sex. And whenever we weren't having sex, he was bitching to me about going back to college or gushing about the babies we were gonna have, and it was _so _annoying. I don't want Sheldon to be another Leonard. I don't want to learn the hard way that he's not as great as I thought he was. I know I'm probably asking the worst person, since you can barely get any dates, but should I get serious with him or what?"

Raj contemplated her words. It was obvious that the wine had made her a little tipsy. But he had a good heart, and even in his own drunken state, he knew he had to help his confused friend. "You know, Penny," he started, crossing one leg over the other. "When I was growing up in New Delhi, my parents were always bugging me about finding a nice girl to marry, preferably Indian. They set me up so many times, and they still do, but it never meant anything. I was still left with an empty heart. Well, when I started elementary school, I became friends with an American girl. Her name was Susie Baker." He smiled nostalgically. "Oh, you should have seen her, Penny. She had the most beautiful hair; soft and golden like the sun. And her eyes were emeralds. But you know what the best thing about her was? She had selective mutism too! Only for her, it was the other way around. She couldn't talk to boys. How did we communicate, you wonder? Simple. We wrote notes. It may sound a little exhausting, but it was actually a lot better this way. We remained friends until we finished high school, and by then I had fallen deeply in love with her. But I was too shy to tell her. And then, when she announced that she would be moving back to America, I realized that I had waited until it was too late. I never got the chance to hear her voice."

"Oh my God," Penny murmured. "That is so sad."

Raj sighed. "You want to know what the worst part was? I looked her up on Facebook, and it says she's happily engaged to some guy named Richard and that they're living in Maui together."

"Awww, I'm so sorry, sweetie." She gave him a sympathetic hug. "You'll find someone someday, I promise."

He gave a small smile. "Thanks, Penny, that really means a lot. And if you think you love Sheldon and want to pursue a relationship with him, then go for it! No one is going to stop you. Don't be a coward like me."

She smiled. "You're right. I'll talk to him. Thanks, Raj, you're a really good friend."

He smiled back. "I try."

She got up and headed towards the door. "Oh, and if you tell _anyone _that I told you about all this, I will chop your little samosas off. Got it?"

Raj nodded. "Don't worry. I won't tell."

Penny smiled. "See ya, Raj." She headed out of the apartment.

"Goodbye, Penny. And thanks for the booze!" Raj called to the hallway.

"Yup!"


	5. Agreement

Sheldon stood in front of his whiteboard in his office, staring vacuously at the set of equations in front of him. He'd been staring at those same equations for nearly ten minutes, and he hadn't been able to rationalize any reasonable conclusions. It was as if his brain had suddenly decided to go AWOL, and now those calculations transformed into a jumble of meaningless letters, numbers, and symbols. Sheldon thought about his encounter with Penny yesterday after they'd returned home from Paintball. She'd managed to convince him to go into her apartment so they could have a talk.

_"Sheldon, you're a smart guy." _

_"Of course I am. Your need to caption the obvious clearly indicates that you've been involved in too many relationships with Leonard and that therefore his idiosyncrasies have become synonymous with you."_

_"Okay, see, that right there is what I wanted to talk to you about. Sheldon, I don't love Leonard. He's friendly and cool when we're just friends, but then as soon as we try to go beyond that, it's like he becomes this … obnoxious, pretentious douchebag, and I don't want to keep giving him a million chances hoping that he'll finally learn his lesson for the rest of my life. I'm done with him."_

_"You are? Then whom do you desire?"_

_"I want someone else. Someone who's also smart, but not as desperate. Someone who can say 'I love you' in Klingon, someone who can teach me all about the stars and other stuff up there, someone who will make me tea whenever I'm down in the dumps. Whenever we have arguments, I'll know they're harmless. Maybe he's a little cocky- okay,__very cocky, and he's definitely not the supreme overlord he believes he is, but that's okay, because I love him anyways. __That's who I want."_

_"Have you tried any online dating sites? I'm given to understand that despite your lack of intellect, your physical attributes will easily target a group of young, licentious males or females."_

_"Sheldon, for God's sake, I mean you! I want to date you, you silly dummy."_

_"Oh."_

_"So what do you say? I know you don't like change, and I know you think relationships are a little scary, but I'm your best friend. We've known each other for a really long time, sweetie. And I like you. Really like you. Forget about what I said yesterday in the laundry room. When you kissed me, I don't think I've ever felt so attracted to someone my whole life. I want to be your Leia, Luke Skywalker."_

_"Penny…"_

_"Look, just answer me this. When I kissed you for the first time, did you brush your teeth or rinse your mouth immediately after you got back?"_

_"…"_

_"That's what I thought. Now come here, you little whackadoodle!"_

_"Pe-"_

_"…"_  
_"…"_

_"…"_  
_"You kissed me."_

_"Hehe. Yup!"_

_"…"_

_"Gee, you look pretty flustered for someone who supposedly abhors any kind of physical contact."_

_"Penny … I had a vision of you yesterday in my room."_

_"Huh?"_

_"You were in my bed. You sang Soft Kitty to me."_

_"Oh!"_

_"I have to go now, Penny."_

_"Wait! So … are we, you know, a thing now?"_

_"…"_  
_"I mean, is the cat dead? Or alive?"_

_"Oh! Well, in that case, I'd say very much alive. I like you, Penny."_

_"You're not going to say Bazinga, are you?"_

_"Why would I? This is not a joke."_

_"Right. Okay, good. Oh, and don't tell Leonard. I know you can't keep secrets, but, just try, okay? I don't want him to freak out or anything."_

_"Understood."_

_"Love you, Moonpie."_

Sheldon kept staring at the equations scribbled on the board, almost like they were mocking him. It didn't make sense. He'd _accepted _the option of being in a relationship with Penny. How come? He'd never understood the appeal of romance, and even if he wanted to date someone, surely he would never fall for someone like Penny. He would want someone less ordinary, someone who was more suited to his standards. Someone like … Beverly Hofstadter. Ah, yes. Now _there _was an ideal woman. Intelligent, strong; if he didn't know he would have never guessed Leonard was even remotely related to her, let alone her son. Penny was the total opposite of her, which of course meant the total opposite of him. So why was it that whenever they shared a kiss, he transformed into that new Sheldon, a totally out of character Sheldon, who didn't mind being kissed or being swept off his feet by the very woman who lived next door?

Did he actually … _love _Penny?

Suddenly, his body became a sweaty mass, his mind a tornado, the world a Technicolor blur. The last two words he heard in his head were 'Pon Farr' before he collapsed onto the platinum floor.

—

"What do you mean he fainted?" Leonard asked as they sat in the lunchroom table of Caltech university.

"I was dropping by his office to bring him the data results for our current experiment," Raj explained. "and he was just lying there, flat on the floor like a pancake."

"Oh no, I hope he's all right," Leonard said, genuinely concerned for his close friend's well-being.

"I called Dr. Gablehouser and he had to take him to the clinic," Raj said. "I think I saw him return about an hour ago."

Right on cue, Sheldon appeared, holding a tray of food. He sat down at the table beside Howard and ignored everyone's stares.

"Sheldon, are you okay?" Leonard asked him.

"I'm fine," Sheldon responded, taking a bite of his bread.

Howard, being Howard, grinned and nudged Sheldon. "So a little birdie told me you and Penny hooked up on Saturday. Care to enlighten your good buddy on the juicy details?"

Leonard choked on his soy milk.

Raj glared at his best friend. "Dude, you promised you weren't going to tell anyone! Penny told me that in total confidence!"

Howard ignored Raj and kept pestering Sheldon. "So did you get to second base yet? Third?" When he received no answer, he employed most serious expression he could muster and lowered his voice. "Sheldon, I've wanted Penny since the day I met her, and I will give you every single comic book I own if you tell me what your secret is."

"There is no secret, Penny and I have simply decided to upgrade our friendship status," Sheldon responded stiffly.

"Wait, hang on. So you and Penny are _dating _now?" Leonard asked incredulously.

"Yes," Sheldon answered. Then he remembered that he wasn't supposed to tell Leonard that. Oops.

"I can't believe this," Leonard moaned, burying his head in his hands.

"You lucky bastard," Howard remarked.

"Am I the only one who is actually worried because he fainted?" Raj wondered.

"I'm going to text her and ask what the hell is going on," Leonard said, starting to pull out his phone. "No, you know what, I'll call her."

"W-wait Leonard, you can't!" Sheldon insisted. "I promised her I wouldn't tell you."

"Oh, so you were just going to keep it a secret for the rest of your life? Some friend you are," Leonard huffed.

"Now Leonard," Sheldon started, but was interrupted by two familiar voices, who were incidentally the last two people they wanted to see.

"Hey Leonard, hi Howard, Raj, _heeeey _dumbass," Leslie taunted.

"Hewwo wosers," Kripke sneered.

"Oh boy," Leonard sighed.

"Heard you and Barbie hooked up the other day," Leslie smirked.

The three physicists glared at Howard.

"You told them too?!" Leonard cried.

"I-I," Howard stuttered, but Leslie cut him off.

"Aww, isn't it cute, our little Shelly has a crush," she mocked.

"So teww me Coopah, how'd you manage to wand that hot sexy babe Woxanne?"

"Yeah, even that bimbo's too smart for you, dumbass."

Sheldon's face twitched a bit as he tried to suppress the anger rushing through his body.

Leonard looked like he'd rather be anywhere other than here.

Raj had that look on his face which could only be worn by one who was attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.

Howard was the first one to speak up. "Hey Leslie, remember what I said about keeping this our little secret?"

She smirked. "Did _you_ remember who I am?"

Howard pursed his lips. She had him there.

Leonard couldn't take it anymore. "That's it, both of you, leave right now!"

"Gee, calm down thewe, Weonard, we wewe just having a wittle fun," Barry grinned.

"Yeah, don't get your panties in a knot, tough guy," Leslie teased.

"Leave. Now," Leonard said through gritted teeth.

This time they did.

Leonard sighed and placed his head in his hand. Raj started to rub his shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. Suddenly, Leonard's head snapped up. "No, you know what? I'm not going to sit here and sulk about this. I'm going to the Cheesecake Factory right now to talk to Penny." He stood up and started walking away from the table.

Sheldon's eyebrows raised a bit. "Leonard, wait-"

"AND THAT'S FINAL!" Leonard bellowed as he exited the cafeteria.

"Ooh," Howard winced. "Harsh." He looked at his two quiet friends and tried to lighten up the mood. "Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed, am I right?"

"You now have a strike," Sheldon informed him. "It would be wise that you do not speak to me."

Howard's eyes widened a little, before he nodded slightly. "Okey-doke." He turned and smiled at Raj. "Hey, buddy."

Raj glared at him. "I'm not speaking to you. You betrayed my trust."

"Yikes. What a couple of buzz kills." Howard rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, if that's the case, then I'll just be heading over to peek inside the ladies' room. Raj, want to come?"

He received another death glare.

"Oh, right, not speaking to me," Howard remembered. "Cool. Well, I guess I'll be going then. Adios, muchachos." He saluted them, and grabbed his tray to throw away, then left the table, leaving just Sheldon and Raj sitting together.

"I'm still waiting for those results," Sheldon told Raj after a minute's silence.

"I dropped them off while you were passed out," Raj said.

"Yes, but the results you gave me were incorrect."

Raj's cheeks flushed. "Oh. Sorry dude."

"Get to work."

Raj quickly nodded, knowing it was best not to argue with Sheldon at a time like this, and grabbed his tray and left Sheldon sitting by his lonesome at the table.


	6. Termination

Penny hated Mondays. If there was any day of the week that always came too soon, Monday was definitely it. She hated the thought of having to leave the comfort of her apartment to go to her crappy job. It reminded her of having to go back to school after a weekend of hardcore partying.

Penny stood behind the bar counter, waiting for the one customer who was pathetic enough to order a drink at 12:30 pm. In the meantime, Penny had snuck her laptop into work, and was doing a little shoe shopping while she waited. She sighed. Why couldn't _this _be her day job? She would be more than happy to browse the internet and pick out all kinds of footwear for eight bucks an hour. If only life were that simple…

She was just about to add a cute pair of Anne Klein's to her shopping cart when she saw a figure approaching from the corner of her eye. She frowned and put away her laptop. She then got a better look and her eyes widened when she saw the seemingly exhausted man walking over to the bar.

_Leonard? What the hell is he doing here? _

Said man made it to the bar and slammed his hands onto the counter.

"You…" he said, pointing an accusing finger at Penny. "Have got a lot of explaining to do."

"Leonard? Shouldn't you be at work?" Penny asked, confused.

He shook his head. "Don't change the subject. First you dump me, and now you date Sheldon?"

The color drained from Penny's face. "He told you, didn't he? I'm going to kill that backstabbing little son of a-"

"Look, it doesn't matter who told me," Leonard cut her off. "How could you do this to me? I can deal with you breaking up with me. Fair enough. But adding insult to injury by dating _Sheldon_? If you think you can be happy with Sheldon, of all people, then you're even crazier than he is."

Penny scoffed. "I highly doubt that's possible."

Leonard gave a loud sigh, and placed his hands on top of hers. "Penny, look. I'm telling you this for your own good. You can't go out with Sheldon. He's not built to handle relationships or process feelings. It would be like dating an alien. He would hurt your feelings and break your heart without even knowing it."

Slightly annoyed, Penny jerked her hands away. "What makes you think you know Sheldon better than I do? Just because you're his roommate doesn't mean you're like his brother. He may appear to be some kind of alien creature, but I know he's a sweet guy, Leonard. Even if he doesn't realize it. Besides, Sheldon insults everyone all the time. I'm used to it."

Leonard was clearly having none of it. "What happened with us, Penny? I thought you loved me. Can't you give me another chance?"

Penny shook her head. "Nuh-uh. Nope. Not happening. I'm tired of giving you chance after chance. You had your chance, and you blew it. I'm done with you, Leonard, DONE, so don't even bother wasting your time. We can still be friends, but that's it."

Leonard then put on those puppy eyes which always got her… but not this time.

"Leonard Hofstadter, I'm only going to say this once, so you better listen." Penny hissed through gritted teeth. "We. Are. Over. Done. Finished. I'm twenty-six years old, Leonard, and I'm not getting any younger. So leave now before I call the fucking manager."

Leonard gulped, and nodded quickly. Penny watched as he walked out of the restaurant, and thought she heard sniffling. Guilt pierced her heart. She hadn't meant to hurt him. She was just _so_ goddamn tired of his bullshit. She'd given him enough chances. It was time to find someone whom she could be in a serious relationship and settle down with. A relationship that wasn't just about sex. And so far Sheldon seemed to fit that criteria.

She just really hoped that Leonard and her could remain friends.


End file.
